Friday, November 30, 2007
The decision
[No turning back]
Yes.
I have made the decision. And I should not look back.
But I can't stop my tears from falling, cos' it hurts to leave my children.
All my plans for them
My thoughts and dreams of seeing them graduate
The anticipation of the tears that will come when they graduate
Plans of improving their reading and writing
How I can improve my teaching to better their learning
Leading them to dance and perform
Gone. It feels like I abandon them.
I can't stop my tears from falling, cos' it hurts to leave the staff
Especially auntie
Whom I have already regarded her like my grandma
Even though she nags
Even though I was annoyed at her nags sometimes
At the end of the day
It is because she is like my family
That is why I show my annoyance to her
That is why she only nags at me, not other staff
Cos' only family
Will be comfortable enough to do such things
Moreover, how can I forget
The kindness and homely warmth feeling she made me feel
In the new cold environment
On my first day of work?
But no matter how much it hurts
In life there are always times where one have to leave
No matter how painful
No matter how sad
Yet your mind still tells you to leave
Even though your heart wishes to stay
Cos' this isn't about romance or only about passion
But more for your future and opportunities
I have been told countless times
Not to let my heart rule over my head
And give up good opportunities
That come by so easily and effortlessly
Especially when it is regarding
my future
my life
I guess I should really thank my mum
For her selfless love and decision
Solely thinking for me for my future
Being so thoughtful, resourceful and helpful
And being practical
Not emotional
But on the other hand
A tiny part of me wishes
Though it is an ungrateful wish
That she is not so thoughtful or helpful
Not so practical but more emotional
Then I won't be in this situation now.
Whatever it is
I have already made the decision
And I know even though it hurts badly
I have to leave.
Even though it is selfish of me
To abandon them
For my own future.
Maybe I am being to emo. Or just being a moron.
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
12:07 AM
link to post
0 comments
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Difficult decision
[Life is full of choices]
What should I do?
What will you do?
Will you choose your feelings, or will you choose shorter hrs and good money?
I am facing a dilemma...
Even though it hasn't surfaced yet.
But I know someday soon it will.
And when that day comes,
I will have to make THE decision.
I will have to make THE choice.
And not regret it.
Which is so hard.
The decision.
The choice.
The regret.
Sighz.
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
9:05 PM
link to post
0 comments
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Stupid laptop
[Many thoughts]
There are so many thoughts running through my mind now. Regarding work, life and love....oh! and my stupid laptop.
Well, let's start with my laptop. It was (still is at times, when it's working) my favourite laptop. It's small, it's light, it's compact, it's good(well, at least for a small and light laptop, it has the basic necessities) and it's Fujitsu. IT people told me it is the best brand for laptops, besides Toshiba of course.
That was why I bought it in the first place 2 years ago. At that point of time, Fujitsu was very very expensive. I bought mine at like, $2600+? From NUS no less, ok? By right it should be cheaper from schools. Which is true, at that point in time my laptop model was $3000+ outside...or so I was told by the Fujitsu people when I called them. Now, I think it is cheaper?
Well, it's quite gd, considering it is still working now, 2 years later. Alot of my friends' laptop isn't working much anymore.
Which is why I am worried recently. Cos' my stupid laptop is sooooooooooo slow at surfing net even though I have it reformatted zillion times and was consistently checked for virus. It was STILL running at snail's speed. I mean, I still love this laptop ok? Especially when my house computer broke down like, a year or so ago? It is practically my life. Like, my only means to complete the endless assignments and to the internet world.
It has accompanied me through my late nights of assignments, surfing net, and maple story. It follows me around in school and I am happy with carrying it cos' it's light with a big enough screen. And so I really do not wish to hurt my favourite laptop by calling it stupid.
But I can't help it. It's really frustrating surfing net now, especially what with the watching drama serials online for free. I mean, can you imagine watching a quarter of an episode of a drama serial which only lasts forty minutes, for close to an hour? This is so insane that I was so tempted to buy the serials rather than watch it for free!
So you see? Even though I love my laptop, I am so frustrated with it at times that I have to call it stupid or a turd(new word learnt from South Park). I really have a love-hate affair with my laptop.
Ok, I can't believe I crap so much about my laptop. Enough about it.
Let's talk about my love life. Everything is ok now. At least it seems so after I talked to him. Whatever it is, I just hope we can learn to forgive. Especially for him. And not bear a grudge. Yeah.
About work and life, I am just thinking about my future. I mean, I am torn into two. Part of me wants to stay in early childhood cos' it is my passion. Part of me can't bear the thought of being low income forever. I mean, low income plus long hours of work just doesn't make me feel like staying on, especially now that I am so broke.
I still haven't planned what I am going to do. If I am to leave, the only thing I can't bear is the children. I can't imagine working at a place without children, for that I mean preschool children, children from infant all the way to 6 years old. I really don't feel like teaching primary school children. They just kind of lost the innocence at primary school nowadays.
Oh wellz...just some random thoughts....
I just want to lead a happy and comfortable life. My miserable salary is considered low income, that even hawkers are earning more than me. And to think a factory worker now can earn more than me. Sighz.
That's enough of my rantings.
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
10:25 PM
link to post
0 comments
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen