Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Happily ever after? or Happily never after?
[ Marriage ]
Happily ever after? or happily never after?
As I am approaching my mid-twenties, friends around me are settling down one by one.
I used to want to get married. Fantasizes about finding my own happily-ever-after with my handsome prince.
So when I met dear, ten years ago, I already told myself he is the one.
I guess all along in the past I was alone. Most of the time. My parents neglected me, even they also admitted it, at the time when I need people around me the most.
Throughout my whole primary school and the first 2 years of my secondary school days...I was mostly on my own. My parents rarely have the time to speak to me...and my brother was too young to listen to my woes. He is six years younger than me.
Even though I have friends, I can't spend much time with them cos' ironically, my parents wanted me to go home straight after school. So with no family, no friends to talk to at home, you can say I was pretty much alone all the time.
And in Secondary school, making friends was hard for me cos' being alone too much made me quite socially impaired. Put that together with my bucked teeth, short boyish haircut, and a hot temper, you could say I was a social reject.
Perhaps I was alone too much, I wish someone would be there for me. Craving for love and attention, I wanted to find my handsome prince. He came along at the time when I wanted love and attention. So naturally, I was not only flattered, but immediately knew he would be the one whom I wanted to spend my whole life with. The guy that I want to marry.
And don't think that just because I was left alone too much, I would anyhow just accept a guy and want to marry him just because he gave me love. I also felt that he was a very good guy simply because he looked past my ugly face at that time, when most of the people in my school jeered or laughed at my bucked teeth.
That was then. My childish concept of love and marriage.
I am not saying my dear is bad. It's just that my whole concept and outlook of marriage have changed.
Perhaps it's cos' of how my dad is very loving and caring towards me now, or perhaps it's the divorces that I have seen...
Or simply because of my own parents' marriage. Ten years ago, when marriage was something that will not possibly happen but ten years later, I didn't really think about the issue on marriage clearly and carefully. I was so focused on not being alone anymore and craving for love.
Ten years later, when I feel the love from my parents (especially my dad), divorce cases around me and the topic of marriage which is not so far away now, I change.
I have such a bleak view on marriage. And add that on with the encouragement from my parents to not marry young and if I-didn't-find-the-right-one-don't-marry-ok-cos'-they-won't-mind, and my dad making me promise that if I marry I have to be in a blissful marriage if not he will not die happy and in peace, do you think I dare to commit without thinking through long and hard?
No freaking way.
So I am not sure whether I will marry dear. Not cos' I don't love him as much anymore, or he has been very bad to me.
I rather things stay the way they are now, meaning he is my boyfriend, with not much commitments, than get married and end up in a unhappy marriage.
I said this cos' I am not sure about us. I am not sure we can make things work. Cos' marriage is alot of hard work, communication, forgiveness, and compromises.
Which we are still working at now. So...yeah. I won't be getting married in the next 5-10 years. Unless of course within the time I became sure we can make things work.
Don't ask me why. My instincts tell me that we are not ready for marriage. AND I have come a long way and learn hard lessons on trusting my instincts, cos' my instincts were usually right, and I usually don't trust them. Learnt it the hard way when I didn't trust my instincts.
So happily ever after?
Not yet.
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
10:37 PM
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Sunday, April 12, 2009
Tiredness within me..
[ Sick of ]
I am sick of everything
Sick of you ignoring me
Sick of you calculating little things with me
Sick of you being so unforgiving
Sick of you saying you are not angry
when you show that you are
Sick of you blaming me
even when it is your fault
Sick of you saying sorry
when you are not sincere
Sick of you pushing me away
just because we quarrel
Sick of your attitude
when you are in the wrong
Sick of you thinking
you're never wrong
Sick of you blaming others
cos' they seem like they are helping me
Sick of you not REALLY accepting
me or anyone else's opinion when we quarrel
Sick of you saying you never say
yet you show what you never say
Sick of you looking at me cry
and look disgusted and angry that I cry
Sick of me saying sorry
and hear you say, "save it"
Sick of you being so unforgiving
and hard-hearted about it
Sick of you pushing me away
when I apologise
and you saying
how disappointed you are in me
Sick of you not telling me things
and expect me to understand them
Sick of you not accepting my faults
and being so hard about them
Sick of you saying
do whatever you want
In that uncaring attitude
Like you really do not care
Sick of me trying
to guess what you really are
to guess what you really feel
to guess that you don't mean it
to blame myself for everything
Sick of me trying
to undo my wrongs
to apologise because I feel so
to apologise cos' there is nothing else I can do to undo
Even though it might be a small wrong
Even though I am very sorry about it
Even though you don't even care for it
But it's not accepted
or it is enough
Cos as you put it
"Save it".
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
10:41 PM
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Tuesday, April 07, 2009
People who think they are good-looking when they are not
[ One of the most disgusting people ]
Honestly.
It is bad and disgusting enough to have people who think they are hot stuff.
You know what's worse? THE people who think they are hot stuff when they're SO NOT.
These are possibly one of the most disgusting people in the world. Besides busy-bodies aka. gossips, hypocrites, backstabbers, show-offs...you get the point.
This disgusting class of snobs, which in my opinion, are more disgusting than rich snobs. I mean, at least, they DO have something to show-off. Don't get me wrong, they are all still disgusting in general.
Imagine. Someone fugly strutting around like he or she is the most good-looking thing in the world and putting other people down. OR someone plain like me strutting around like I am SO HOT and desirable cos' I keep laughing at everyone else around me except myself.
I personally encountered this kind of fugly show-offs before. She calls herself "the lady that sparkles" while laughing at other people. Purposely picking out people and laughing at them. Mind you, she is not laughing at some weird show-offs that I like to do, but just some random
normal-looking poor fellow.
It's not as if she is Miss Universe or whatever. She is
plain and
ordinary and
loves to act sweet and gentle when she is NOT
. Disgusting.
Another one I encountered is the kind that is really ugly, in alot of people's opinion, yet still want to call other people UGLY and tease them.
All these people I mentioned were from my secondary school. Obviously they don't know the true invention of mirrors, to reflect and take a GOOD LOOK at themselves before criticising other people's looks, especially when these other people did not do anything to provoke them neither did they show-off in any way, like the way they do.
Gosh. I knew all the weird people in my secondary school. No wonder I don't like my secondary school much. They are not innocent like some other secondary school students I know of, and they are bend on destroying other people's self-confidence.
You will think some people will grow up, don't you? But no. Some people still call herself "sparkling lady", thinks she dresses well AND loves to gossip. SO cool.
YUCK.
P/S: Really can't stand her attitude. Must vent it out here.
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
10:29 PM
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Monday, April 06, 2009
I miss Sethie today.
[ Serious problem ]
Me
(while blowing my nose): Seth!
I am feeling very sick!! I've been sick for a loooooooong time.
Seth(
frowning and looking very concerned): I think you have a very serious problem, Miss Kho.
Me
(pretending to be worried): OH really??
Seth
(eyes grew bigger than usual): Yes, Miss Kho. It's a serious problem and I think you should see the doctor.
Me
(pretending to be worried, trying to hide my smile): But I am afraid of doctors.
Seth
(seriously giving his speech): Yeah, doctors are not scary. Dentists are scary.
Me:
(burst into laughter and hugged him) P/S: Seth is not here today and I miss him. Heard from the bus uncle that he is sick. Which reminds me of this conversation. Hope he recovers soon!!! I MISS HIM!!! NOBODY TO DISTURB SO I AM SO BORED IN SCHOOL!!!
Haha.
AND Seth speaks good English. Without any of the Singlish nonsense, but with a heavy philippino accent at times! Very cute.
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
11:24 PM
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Joyce Kho Ming Zhen