Wednesday, December 30, 2009
New year new challenges
[ Last few days of 2009]
Yes. Since it's the second last day of 2009, I just want to reflect on the past year and say I don't want to waste my entry on this friend who hurt me anymore. Someone who doesn't know how to reflect and apologise and only knows how to complain to a third party how she was being hurt by me without thinking whether she DID anything wrong too.
But it's a good lesson learnt and through bad times I see true friends:)
The greatest lesson of the year is that I have finally tasted the feeling of being stabbed at the back by someone whom I treated as a good friend who I treated sincerely and even when she hurt me I still apologise for my part cos I truly felt bad and wanted to be her friend.
A good friend who I stood up for, never said(past tense) a single bad word about, encouraged sincerely, whom I never minded coming along for my dates( ask Andre and Suqi when they tag along) etc. Just like how I treat ALL my other friends. I never had any problems with them.
And what I got in return for the genuine offer of friendship was how self-centered, brainless, lazy, emo drama queen etc( yes, there are more nasty words about me) which I never get before from other friends that I have treated in the same way towards this person.
And stupid people like me need OTHER PEOPLE to tell me what's going on if not I would have gone on treating this person as a friend without knowing my flaws irked this person so badly she only wants my best friend's friendship and hence can say so many things about me and when things happen, it's always JOYCE'S FAULT cos she is too emo and self centered.
But I guess everyone at a point of time will have to learn a lesson on trust, and now I know why some of my friends are so guarded and always warned me.
Anyway, there is no point in going on cos' there is no need to go into details now about what this person said behind my back about me, the trust is broken and I learn now.
But I am not going to be cynical. Maybe someday I will be able to say what really happened without any emo cos' I don't want to be called a drama queen for my inability to control tears. I cry when I am sad, or angry or both, can?
But I am not going to fill my heart with hatred. It's a tiring deal. I hated a girl who was nasty to me before and I learnt it's a tiring deal. If I am going to start hating people who hurt me, I am going to die young la, thank goodness there aren't many people who hurt me.
Anyway, this year is going to end and I don't want to linger on the past mistakes anymore. :)
I am going to face a whole new lot of challenges next year. K2 classes are going to be a challenge with camp, graduation and lessons preparing for primary one.
Especially when I got news today from my boss that I have 6 new boys. SIX! Five PRCs and one Indian. I am so going to die while managing them. If you see a fat Joyce or an old wrinkled Joyce please don't be alarmed.
And also Eileen is going to due soon for delivery and I don't want her to suffer. So it means whether I like it or not at some point in time I have to be in charge. And I might be taking my masters leh? I have some other plans for it as well. Hmm.
On lighter note, I can't wait for new year's eve and day and the weekend. Plenty to enjoy as it's packed with activities that I might not even have time for dear:x
Anyway, happy new year to all! Wish you all good health and happiness:)
P/S: Is my English failing me? I didn't mention or imply that anyone is snatching my friend, did I? Strange. I don't want friends who don't want me as a friend. Cos if they can be snatched away, I don't think they are worthy of my friendship and I blame them more than the person doing the snatching. This is my belief since I was in primary school.
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
12:21 AM
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Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Trust and self protection
[ Learning to protect myself ]
Everyone says I must learn how to protect myself.
When you want to help other people, they say, don't just stupidly show your true self, and introduce everyone in your world to the person you want to help. Like your boyfriend, your best friend, friends etc.
Cos you can never count on whether this person appreciates it. Meaning he or she might just start to dislike what you do or say and prefers your other friends' company. Cos you never know what this person will say to your friends about you, or that he or she can be trusted to be a friend enough for you to reflect on themselves rather than just pinpointing your mistakes.
And the best part is sometimes the person you helped might be so blinded that they didn't know they are also making the mistakes that they pinpoint you of. It's betrayal to the ultimate sense from the back.
That's what true friends do. Even if my friends don't tell me about my mistakes, but when they all start to ignore me, I will reflect on it. Rather than blaming and questioning them and thinking I have no fault cos they don't tell me. Cos that's what true friends are for. I know if Suqi (or any of my close friends) ever do that, I will reflect on myself even if she doesn't want to talk about it.
But that's the problem about me. I just trust people easily and as long as you want me as a friend, I will be your friend and tell and share with you everything about me, like my problems, my past etc, even if I know you only for awhile.
But I have learnt that it can be used against you. You can be seen as self-centered rather than seen as sharing cos not everyone appreciates sharing. I always thought that as long as you share and give a part of yourself to your friend, they will appreciate it.
Apparently not, as there are all kinds of people in this world. What I thought of giving part of myself may seem different to others.
It's the same about helping people. Everyone else that are smart told me that they will never help someone by introducing their own close friends to the person they want to help. Looks like I am the only stupid one.
Nvm. I learnt my lesson. Enough about that.
I was feeling really down for the past few weeks. I am grateful for my brother. I would have felt so alone without him.
Yes, I know. I said it before. But that's the thing. I never ask or intrude his time when I was down. I mean, I will feel damn paiseh and pathetic if I keep taking up his time, by keep hanging around with him and his friends etc.just cos' I'm down and need company. Especially now that he has a girl friend.
Yet he took the initiative to keep me company. Though he did not introduce me to all his friends(which guy will? No guy I know did that) just so I have some company, he just kept asking me out, just the two of us. (actually I will be super paiseh if I keep hanging out with my younger brother's friends cos' I will feel like I really have no life, so I am really glad I did not do it just so I have his company) I even ask him to go out with his girl friend or his buddies, no need to keep me company , but he is really sweet cos' he insisted on keeping me company.
And even when he reassured me that he rather keep me company than hang out with his girlfriend and friends, I still feel bad so I kept apologizing.
My brother really has grown up hasn't he? To rather spend time with his ol' sis just cos' she is down, than his pretty girlfriend.
I still feel bad cos he has his own life and need own space with his life without his sister tagging along all the time:(
I shall do something for him, I am not that thick skinned ok:x
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
2:53 AM
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Monday, December 21, 2009
Grateful and touched
[ Thank you my friends ]
I have made mistakes. Recently, someone whom I treated as a friend hurt me badly.
I felt discouraged and wonder whether it's my problem. Whether I was the one that made this friend hurt me, cos I have too many flaws so this person can't stand me and had to stab me at e back, was what I wondered. People who truly know me knows I feel bad and guilty easily, and care too much of other people's opinion. So yeah, I just dwell on my flaws, even though I was angry too.
And it doesn't help matters when I also quarreled with the person I love.
But it's times like this that make you realise how much you are loved by the people around you and I should not focus on the persons that hurt me. I can't make everyone like me. If my flaws so irked the friend, I should gladly accept it as I should not take friends who still stood by me despite my flaws forgranted. They are the ones that make me realise I am not so bad or selfish, and I really want to thank them.
I want to thank my best friend Suqi, for knowing, accepting and encouraging me when I am down. For appreciating my efforts and care towards her because she never once made me feel like I am a self-centered person.
I want to thank Faith, for all the same reasons I thanked Suqi for.
I want to thank Lina aka. Nana and the two Mels that I know, for trusting me to be a good friend and never once doubt my words. For encouraging me and showing love to me when I am down.
I want to thank Eileen Da Jie, as well as Cindy Er Jie, for showing unconditional love. Cos they treat me like their small sister, even when they barely know me, and they never once felt I am selfish even though I seem to take more from them than give. Cos they say it's their responsibility to take care of me as I am younger and have much to learn about people and life despite the fact that they are busy and for Eileen, sick. I am grateful for their unconditional love.
I want to thank Tricia, Hannah, and Andrielle. For showing genuine love and concern even though we do not know each other long enough, they already accept me as part of the group and take care of me. And thanking them for their willingness to listen to my problems while it seems like I have not heard about theirs, and took time to give me advices.
I want to thank Fion, Jun Ren and Andre for listening to my problems and unbiased opinions. For trusting that I am a friend worthy of their time to listen to my problems and showing concern despite their busy schedule.
I want to thank Sean, my best guy friend of years. He might be Beng and loud, but he is the most loyal and faithful friend that you can find. He can do almost anything for his pals. Behind his gangster exterior lies a great listener who will do anything for his close friends.
Last but not least, I want to thank my sweet brother and confidant and friend, who is mature emotionally beyond his years. For giving me a consoling hug and buying gifts and simply listening to me cry(yes, crubaby me) without frustration. I am glad I can confide in him, and he is the person who knows me the longest and best, since we are partners in crime. The only person that I can entirely trust my tears to without me feeling like I am a cry baby. I thank God that I told my parents I want a younger brother. Even though I try not to disturb him now as he has a girlfriend(not very nice isn't it? Always taking up his time when his girlfriend deserves the privacy and his attention), he will still want to spend time with me, even though I can be nasty and bad tempered.
And even though I can't think of any other people's names at the moment, in case I left out any, I just want to thank people who took time to really listen to me without judging me. It really means a lot to me as I know now who are my true friends, and not to be naive in trusting people.
I just realised how much love I was shown when I listed down the names I want to thank. I am really touched. I should really be thankful and look on the bright side of life rather than mourning about who hurt me.
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
2:38 AM
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Sunday, December 13, 2009
A lesson I learnt about life
[ About self reflection and critising about others' shortcomings]
Nobody in this world is perfect.
Something happened that made me realised how true this is. Sometimes we love to criticise about other people's flaws without taking a good look at ourselves.
Am I that good? When I say somebody is clingy or immature or stupid etc. Am I any better?
And what gives me the right to say that about other people? Is this a mature and wise thing to do?
I am not perfect or mature and wise, but I look at great people like Mother Theresa or Gandhi or Jesus or Buddha and I realise that they embraced peoples' flaws. They do not laugh or criticise other people. They only use wise words to retaliate when people do them wrong. No adjective words used.
I learnt that words are powerful tools. It can hurt people in ways unimaginable. Words can cause war, deaths, heartbreaks, distrust, unmendable scars and tears, just like words can sooth and bring joy to life. I will never again have the belief of "say only what, no need money" or "it's only a joke what, so serious for what, can't take a joke?"
Do you see wise and mature people saying that? Only teens who are ignorant say that. I am not young anymore. I have to be a responsible person. And that includes the words I used cos' I am responsible for them. Just like I am responsible for my own actions and decisions. If words are not important then the law won't be bothered with slander charges anymore.
When I say things like brainless or childish or self-centered etc. about a person, who am I to say such things that's so judging? Who was I to judge? Even great people like Jesus and Buddha did not do that. What gives me the right to judge which results in hurting people? How will I feel when someone use such words on me or laugh at me even though it might be true as it's my flaw? I definitely will feel hurt, no matter how true it is.
I am not guilt free from this. All I am glad to say is that at least I never use such adjectives on friends and people who are close and have been kind to me. I shall watch my mouth from now on as I know how it feels to be on the receiving end.
And I have learnt from one wise friend of mine(at least compared to me) that these kind of criticisms and judging often results in gossiping. I shall not engage in bitching gossips. It's never a mature thing to do, and you will never know when it's going to come back to you.
And I have to stay away from people who do that if I really want to change as sad to say, I am an easily influenced person. Since I am not perfect, I am in no position to tell them off, judge them or to stop them cos I am no saint.
But I will abstain from it.
I am just glad I realise this cos there are people who say such critical words on other people or even to their friends in front or behind their backs and thought it's ok because they are too self-centered to realise these words hurt. They just thought they are being straightforward. At least I realise this and I will stop being so self-centered.
Nobody is perfect. And I am responsible for the words I use on other people. I must remember that.
Joyce Kho Ming Zhen ♥
3:01 AM
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Joyce Kho Ming Zhen